Some days

(Warning: this is not a happy post)

Some days are a struggle aren't they? From waking you feel like you are swimming against the tide. You feel that things aren't quite going your way or that your mood is negative for no particular reason. Today I feel the latter of the two. A roller coaster ride straight down is how my mood has been today. 

It's days like these that I am able to see myself in two lights; good and bad, light and dark. I see the Jekyll and the Hyde and wish that they would just be one. Don't get me wrong both personas have positives. When I feel like shit I look at life more objectively and think more practically. When I'm positive I have a "don't give a shit attitude" which means I spend carelessly and "bounce" around the place like Tigger on speed. Yes it is a roller coaster and no I don't really enjoy it.

I think back to being at school and can remember the same moods. They were almost completely destructive then as they were fuelled by hormones. Lucid dreams had me thinking I'd lived a life before and was wasting my time searching for my true purpose. (Still the same today sadly.) I went through periods of insomnia and thought someone was trying to kill me. Thankfully I don't have that anymore!

When we came to Australia I hoped that I would improve and I think I have in a small way. Compared with London when I was going to do myself a mischief I am now a more balanced individual. I have the love and support of an incredible wife, who puts up with so much without knowing what really goes on in my head. I have always found it hard to talk about things. Except for one or two people that I love, I can't open up to anyone. Except to the world on this blog! The difference is simple. I can hide behind this computer and feel slightly better for a bit by writing rather than having to talk to anyone face to face. I don't write this for pity just to feel better.

It's not a surprise to me that so many men have mental health issues. The stigma, guilt and weakness that I feel is incredible and I'm able to write about it. I know there must be a lot of chaps keeping it quieter than I am. To be honest they are the ones to worry about because one day they won't be here and nobody will have known they were depressed or struggling with anxiety.

Ho hum. What a depressing post. I'm sorry about that. I just wanted to write to someone and have a moan. You know the beauty of writing is that nobody answers. The other end is an endless void absorbing my words, not judging, not offering help, not pitying. It's just there. Through this medium I can avoid responses. So don't worry about me or writing a comment. I'll be better now for getting that out of my system. I'm ok.

One day I will find a little peace in my head.

If I'd like you to do anything right now it would be this. Send a message to a friend or family member you haven't spoken to in a while. Bridge the gap by reaching out with these immortal Facebook words: "what's on your mind?" Followed by: "R U OK?". 

Have a great weekend wherever you may be.

Tom